The impact of growing up in an alcoholic family can be troublesome. The alcoholic family is often characterized by dysfunction, emotional deprivation, lack of trust, and the shame and secrecy associated with an alcoholic parent’s unpredictable moods and behavior.
Some of the most common problems in Children of Alcoholics are extreme self-criticism, social isolation, difficulties with relationships, approval-seeking tendencies, people-pleasing behavior, difficulty standing up for oneself, and impulsive behavior. Growing up in this environment, these children can only see what is in front of them and how alcoholism is impacting their lives right now. They often get stuck.
Fortunately, the right therapist can contribute to you becoming unstuck in adulthood. If you are considering therapy as an Adult Child of an Alcoholic (ACOA), finding the right therapist is your first hurdle to cross.
Additional Information For You
With all of my current ACOA writing, I blend my personal experience with extensive research addressing alcoholics and their families. Drawing upon my own painful childhood experiences and what I became as an adult created a powerful connection to my pursuit of alcoholism research.
My Personal Experience
During my lifetime, I sought treatment with five therapists.
Therapist One and Two: Couples and Individual Therapy
One girlfriend surprised me by entering herself into an in-house treatment center for ten days. She called me her first night, claiming she had “Daddy Issues.” After she was released, she asked me to attend couples therapy. I complied. We each got a homework assignment after our first session. I invested a significant amount of time in this homework assignment. I produced mine at our second couples therapy session, and my girlfriend skipped the homework assignment. It was clear from that event that I was more invested in our relationship than she was. I told both my girlfriend and therapist that I needed to break up with her. And left our session.
Despite my early infatuation, I intended to maintain the breakup. However, mistakenly, I re-engaged our relationship by living together. During that period, I got into individual therapy. After six months of weekly sessions, I quit individual treatment.
My girlfriend’s couples therapist was excellent. Unfortunately, I did not take his advice. Individual therapy failed because I did not believe I needed treatment.
Therapist Three: Marriage Therapy
During our 40-year marriage, my wife and I attended marriage therapy 20 years into our marriage. Our marriage therapy only lasted three months. My wife observed that I bond with therapists, charm them, and am not honest, convincing them there was nothing wrong with our marriage.
Our marriage therapy failed because I was not vulnerable with our therapist and was reluctant to make changes with my wife in our marriage.
Therapist Four: Individual Therapy
It wasn’t until retirement, with beginning alcoholic research, that I learned I am an ACOA. I found a local general therapist but had not learned yet about specialized therapists. I remained with this therapist for three months. I even had my wife attend one session to gain her perspective. My therapist had no understanding of the treatment of ACOA and, additionally, my recent bicycle accident that resulted in a Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI). Feeling no personal growth, I told him I wanted to discontinue being his client.
Therapist Five: Individual Therapy
Currently, I am engaging with my fifth and hopefully “forever” therapist. I found a specialist who is experienced in treating ACOAs. Working with her, I am developing trust and forming more intimate, enduring relationships with family and friends.
Research Results
How common are ACOAs?
The National Association for Children of Alcoholics estimates there are 20 million ACOAs in the United States.
According to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), over 17 million adults in the United States are living with Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD). Approximately one in 10 children, which equates to 7.5 million U.S. children ages 17 and younger, live with a parent who has AUD.
The National Association of Children of Alcoholics (NACOA) estimates that 76 million adults in the country have lived or are currently living with a family history of alcoholism.
ACOA research demonstrates growing up with alcoholic parents can be traumatic, leading to long-lasting emotional scars into adulthood and a skewed perception of healthy relationships.
ACOAs are at an increased risk of developing AUD due to the familial influence of alcoholism. However, with self-awareness and preventative measures, ACOA can reduce the risk and seek healthier coping mechanisms.
Dr. Tian Dayton is a renowned clinical psychologist. She is the author of fifteen books, including The Soulful Journey of Recovery, The Adult Children of Alcoholics Trauma Syndrome, Emotional Sobriety, and Trauma and Addiction. Dr. Tian reports the impact of trauma on a child and how the dysfunctional environment these children grow up directly reflects the significant factors contributing to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). These factors include the feeling of being unable to escape from the pain, being at risk in the family, and being frightened in a place that should be safe.
Some of the most common symptoms of PTSD experienced by ACOAs include
Hypervigilance, need for control, difficulty with emotions, and low self-esteem.
Therapy can help ACOAs change their life and treat the underlying PTSD and trauma. Remember that choosing a therapist is a very personal matter.
No one therapist is good for everyone. You must feel a sense of trust and that this therapist can help you.
Your Call to Action
Step 1: Narrow Your Therapist Field
There are more than 35K professional and credentialed therapists. How do you think this therapist herd you find someone that meets your needs? Researchers have found that the bond between you and your therapist will likely significantly affect your growth. That is why it's essential to research and ask questions.
Visit Google and type in “Adult Child of Alcoholics Therapists Near Me.” You can then narrow your search to whether you desire individual, couple, or group therapy.
Similarly, if you are an Addict or a family member who wants to help them, then Google search lead with “Addiction Therapists Near Me.” The National Association of Community Health Centers (NACCH) supports Community Health Center Services. Behavior Health Centers offers a highly recommended broad range of services, both inpatient and outpatient treatment, depending on the crisis levels of the Substance Use Disorder (SUD).
Some of the most commonly used online search tools include the American Psychological Association, the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, and the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, which offers a national helpline to locate qualified therapists in your zip code.
Therapy is costly, so consider your finances and your health insurance plan. Then, look through your insurance plan’s network. Determine if your insurance plan limits the number of therapy sessions you can attend each year and whether using an out-of-network therapist will affect your out-of-pocket costs.
Step 2: First Blind Dates With Therapists
You should only have a hiring interest in those who provide 15-minute free consultation phone calls before committing to therapy with that individual.
If the information you have found online with your “Final Four” therapists, I suggest that you ask them three questions:
How much experience do you have treating people with an addiction and their family members?
Give me anonymous examples of your work and outcomes with Addicts, Spouses of Alcoholics, Children of Alcoholics, and Adult Children of Alcoholics.
What do we do if our treatment plan isn’t working?
Step 3: Select Your Right Therapist
Signs that you have selected the right therapist for you include:
Credentials
Make sure your therapist is licensed and has the education and training to help you with addiction and families of addicts issues.
Specialties
Your therapist must have experience with Addicts, Spouses of Alcoholics, Children of Alcoholics, and Adult Children of Alcoholics.
Therapy Type
Consider which type of therapy would best suit your needs. Some treatments work best for specific conditions. The four most common types of therapy are:
Psychodynamic therapy, Behavioral therapy, Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), and Humanistic therapy.
I researched the four common types of therapy. I found Psychodynamic treatment works best for addressing people with both SUD and ACOA.
In Psychodynamic therapy, you will work with a therapist to explore the connection between your unconscious mind and actionable behavior events. This therapy involves examining your emotions, relationships, and thought patterns.
Insurance Plan
Make sure your therapist accepts your health insurance plan. If your insurance plan limits your annual sessions, be confident you can financially support continuing therapy sessions out-of-pocket, if necessary.
Building Trust
You must feel rapport and trust your therapist, as you genuinely feel validated, understood, and safe.
Trust must be established within a few sessions for your treatment to be successful.
Step 4: Develop Goals With Your Therapist
According to a National Institutes of Health study, your outlook will improve when you and your therapist work together toward the same goals.
Therapy is meant to be a welcoming space for any feelings.
Some potential red flags to look for during your first therapy session include:
Does the room make you feel physically uncomfortable? Does it feel private and secure?
Do you feel comfortable being vulnerable telling your therapist anything? Are they making you feel uneasy in any way?
Do You Continue to Dance Together?
Your therapist will likely want to schedule another appointment after your first session.
If you do not want to meet them again, you should say, “I don’t think it's a good match right now.”
If you agree to a date and time for your next therapy session and later decide it is not a good therapeutic match, cancel the session and continue your search for the right therapist. You must notify your therapist that you are canceling future appointments and are continuing your therapist search.
Human connection is at the heart of effective therapy. A heart-to-heart relationship is the key to facing
your childhood trauma, developing and executing strategies to cope with your emotional triggers to build healthier relationships.
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