Topic
Both “adult children of alcoholics” (ACOA) and “adult children of narcissists” (ACON) share a common bond of growing up in highly dysfunctional family environments. This shared experience often leads to similar struggles with low self-esteem, difficulty with intimacy, and a tendency to people-please. You are not alone in your journey.
However, between ACOA and ACON, specific dynamics and coping mechanisms may differ due to the nature of the abuse they faced. Alcoholic parents may neglect or be emotionally unavailable due to their addiction, a chronic disease. Narcissistic parents manipulate and exploit their children emotionally. Narcissistic parents have a personality disorder that can cause people to display grandiose and self-involved behaviors.
Key similarities ACOA and ACON have in common include low self-esteem, people-pleasing tendencies, difficulty with intimacy, anxiety and depression, and coping mechanisms. Both groups may develop unhealthy coping mechanisms like substance abuse, workaholism, or perfectionism to manage their emotions being abused.
Critical differences between children of alcoholics and children of narcissists include manipulation and control lashed out by narcissistic parents. Then, there is the chaotic, unpredictable, and erratic behavior inflicted by alcoholic parents. Additionally, children of alcoholic parents may internalize a lot of shame and guilt, often feeling responsible for the parent's behavior.
Additional Information For You
According to alcoholism and narcissism research:
According to Randi Fine, an internationally renowned narcissistic abuse expert and recovery coach and the author of the groundbreaking book “Close Encounters of the Worst Kind: The Narcissistic Abuse Survivor’s Guide to Healing and Recovery:
Adult children of alcoholics carry the scars of inconsistency, unpredictability, and the heavy burden of living in an environment tainted by addiction.
Adult children of narcissists are no strangers to manipulative, abusive behaviors and emotional instability inflicted upon them by narcissistic parents.
The deep-rooted scars left by both alcoholic parents and narcissistic parents leave their children who have physically grown into adults and have their emotional growth stuck in the past.
Key Similarities
In addition to – Low Self-Esteem, People-Pleasing Tendencies, Difficulty with Intimacy, Anxiety, and Coping Mechanisms cited above under our Topic section, research also reveals the following key similarities:
Hyper-vigilance. Growing up in an environment filled with unpredictability and potential emotional outbursts can lead to hypervigilance in adult children. Whether it’s anticipating a parent’s next excessive drinking episode or navigating a narcissistic parent’s mood swings, the need to always be on alert becomes ingrained in their psyche. The constant state of vigilance can give rise to anxiety disorders.
Constant Need for Approval. Adult children of both alcoholic and narcissistic parents often struggle with seeking external validation to fill the void created by their dysfunctional upbringing.
Difficulty Trusting Others. Growing up in an environment where trust is often betrayed or love conditional can lead to challenges forming deep and meaningful relationships. Adult children of alcoholic or narcissistic parents may find it hard to trust others, fearing that they will be let down or manipulated.
Struggles with Boundaries. Both sets of adult children often grapple with establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries. Whether it's setting limits with toxic individuals or asserting their needs in interpersonal relationships, the blurred lines from their upbringing can make boundary-setting a daunting task. Learning to prioritize their well-being and enforce boundaries becomes crucial to their journey toward healing and self-discovery.
Children of Narcissistic Parents Under the Microscope
According to research:
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a personality disorder in which a person has an inflated sense of self-importance as well as an intense preoccupation with themselves. People with this condition are frequently described as arrogant, self-centered, manipulative, and demanding.
NPD is a mental health condition characterized by behaviors like:
Need for admiration and praise.
Grandiosity and self-importance.
The pattern of exploiting others for personal gain.
A firm conviction of being special and unique.
Children of Narcissists are possessively close to their children when they are small – their children are a source of self-esteem, a trophy they won. Parents with NPD are unable to love their children truly. Their children are simply a means for attention from others. When their children grow to become independent, the narcissistic parent may feel jealous of their child.
Children of narcissists must adhere to the agenda of the Narcissistic Parent for their lives to be stable. These children of narcissistic parents learn that their feelings, their thoughts, or their rights are invalid, unimportant, and inconsequential. They often stifle all feelings to keep peace in their house.
It often takes years or decades later and their lives as a child of a narcissist begin to make sense. Friends and romantic partners usually see the crazy parenting of a narcissist, which helps a child get an objective reality check. After all, you don’t know if your parents are messed up until you see how other people’s families behave.
Children of Alcoholic Parents Under the Microscope
According to research:
The National Association for Children of Alcoholics estimates that 30 million children are born to parents with alcohol use disorder (AUD).
AUD is the persistent use of alcohol despite substantial harm and adverse consequences to yourself and others, including your family unit. It is not uncommon for those who have AUD also to have other mental health disorders.
Children of Alcoholics may be exposed to chaos, uncertainty, instability, inconsistent discipline, emotional and physical neglect, arguments, instability of parent’s marriage, disorganization, violence and physical or sexual abuse, emptiness, loneliness, and the terror of repeated abandonment.
Alcoholism affects individuals physically and emotionally – in the way they behave, think, and feel. It can also affect family members in these ways, too. Alcohol may be the central guiding principle of family life, causing trauma and shaping each child’s development.
Alcohol Addiction has the power to destroy a family. Families often try to deny the problem, fearing the family will fall apart if the problem is faced. Alcoholism can cause pain and confusion that spreads, entangling friends and family in a web of explanations and denials.
The term adult child of an alcoholic (ACOA) was derived in an attempt to describe the unique characteristics of individuals who grew up with a parent who struggled with alcohol misuse.
ACOAs may face a unique set of challenges, including increased risk for substance use disorders (SUD), mental health disorders (MHD), difficulty in forming healthy relationships, and challenges coping with unresolved trauma and emotional distress.
Your Call to Action
Seek Therapy
Suppose you or someone you love is struggling with psychological distress, relationship problems, trouble at work or in school, or other issues that may be related to being the adult child of a parent with alcohol use disorder (AUD) or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). In that case, it is essential to seek help from a licensed therapist specializing in AUD and NPD to address these issues and work through their trauma.
Individual Therapy. Research suggests that individual therapy is a preferred treatment option for adult children. It offers a safe, objective space to explore feelings, challenge distorted beliefs instilled in childhood, and learn healthy coping mechanisms to navigate their emotional landscape healthily.
Family Therapy with children of drug abuse, alcoholics, and narcissistic parents can help families reconcile long-standing issues instead of allowing them to fester. Family therapy also can help family members identify long-standing patterns, dynamics, and roles that have stopped working.
Pharmacotherapy. Research on pharmacotherapy for adult children is limited by the complexity of drug metabolism and pharmacodynamics in children and the lack of randomized controlled trials. Duloxetine is the only antidepressant that has received FDA approval for treating generalized anxiety disorders (GADs). Buprenorphine is promising for opioid use disorders (OUDs).
Group Therapy. Research suggests that group therapy can be an effective way to help adult children with a variety of disorders, including drug use disorder (DUD), alcohol use disorder (AUD), and narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).
Build Networks through Support Groups
There is support available for ACOAs and ACONs, such as Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA) Support Groups, Al-Anon, and Narcissistic Abuse Peer Support Groups. There is also an online recovery community at www.intherooms.com.
Engage in the Education of Alcoholic Parent’s and Narcissistic Parent’s Research. I remained uneducated about growing up with my dysfunctional family dynamics due to an alcoholic parent until I retired. I was too busy plowing ahead and moving forward, and I mistakenly didn’t look back upon my past children. During retirement, I discovered I had an adult-child syndrome.
Read Self-Help Books can help adult children how better understand and heal from the impacts of growing up with emotionally unavailable parents due to their addictions. Self-help books that have helped me with my adult child syndrome include:
Walking on Eggshells: Navigating the Delicate Relationship Between Adult Children and Parents by Jane Isay
Adult Children of Alcoholics Syndrome: A Step-By-Step Guide to Discovery And Recovery by Wayne Kritsberg
The ACOA Trauma Syndrome: The Impact of Childhood Pain on Adult Relationships by Tian Dayton, Elizabeth Hanley, et al.
Upon reflections from reading these books highlighted above and other self-help books, I became inspired to write my own memoir and self-help book, “Discover Your Adult Child,” for others to learn if they or loved ones are also struggling with adult child syndrome, how individuals with substance use disorders and adult child syndromes can both can now clearly examine their behaviors, change, and heal.
Please comment on this Adult Child Vital Voyage Newsletter Issue
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All the best,
Tom O’Connor
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