You Married An Alcoholic

Next Generation: Special Issue

Thomas O'Connor. Author

September 25, 2024

Case Study.

College sweethearts, each 40 years old, have been married for ten years and have two young children. The husband recently reached out to me for help. His wife developed alcoholism after their first child was stillborn.

He relayed his wife refuses to leave their home. At most, she functions as a mother with their children for three to four hours daily.

As a result, despite having a full-time job, he claimed he handles all other family responsibilities. The husband named the following to me: drives their children to and from elementary school and attends all school activities. After school and on weekends, he plays with their children outdoors and helps them with their schoolwork. The husband told me he also does all their children’s clothes shopping, takes them to libraries, and to and from their friend's homes. Additionally, he stated he manages their cleaning lady and all outdoor landscaping work. The husband concluded he believes he is destined for divorce.

While helping him, through continued research and personal experience coaching others, I decided to craft a special issue to help others in their vital alcoholic family voyages. I am now working with him on his agreed-upon action plan.

Topic

When you are married to an alcoholic, it can be both scary and stressful. You can start to internalize a lot of your feelings about what’s happening because of your partner’s alcoholism. You may find yourself becoming anxious, depressed, or feeling hopeless. You may also wonder how you can live your daily life when your spouse has alcoholism like a dark cloud always hanging over you.

According to www.addictioncenters.org, www.ncbi.nih.gov, www.caron.org, and www.alcohol.org, most of my research on this issue stems from these reputable research sources on alcoholics and their impact on families.

Additional Information For You

Alcoholism

Alcoholism is an addiction. An addiction is a disease. An estimated 15 million people struggle with an Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD), but less than 10% of them receive treatment. More than 65 million Americans report binge drinking, which equates to more than 40% of the current alcohol users. Teen alcohol use kills 4,700 people each year.

Signs of Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD)

When someone has an alcohol use disorder, they can’t stop or control their drinking despite it causing problems in their relationships, career, and health. Their conditions may be mild, moderate, or severe. Some of the clues include drinking more or longer than they planned. Tried to cut their drinking quantity down more than once but couldn’t. Taking risks that could have hurt their spouse and their children, if applicable. Do they have to drink much more than they once did to get the effect they want? Are they having withdrawal symptoms when the alcohol wears off?

Studies of alcoholics’ families have revealed that those families have lesser cohesion, and a more significant number of negative, critical, and hostile conflicts as opposed to non-alcoholic families.

Research further reveals approximately 50% of all marriages where one partner has AUD end in divorce.

Partner in Alcoholic’s Life

No matter how many times they beg or plead, when they are married to an alcoholic, they probably feel like their words are falling on deaf ears, and ultimately, they are.

They may blame themselves for their spouse's problems. It can be easy to start developing co-dependency with an alcoholic or enabling them to attempt to make them happy or avoid conflicts with their spouse. People married to an alcoholic need to know that the addicted person cannot completely control their behavior.

One of the most common spouse scenarios, when they are married to an alcoholic, is they will try to cure the person or make them better. This scenario could manifest in encouraging drinking at home rather than at a bar to prevent danger. Or they may try to shame the person into not drinking. Or they issue ultimatums, such as, “If you don’t stop drinking, I will leave you and file for divorce.” National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism Their research reveals:

How much and how fast a person drinks influences how much alcohol enters the bloodstream, how impaired they become, and what the related acute physical risks will be. Over time, these acute risks include liver disease and AUD.

Alcohol consumption impairs cognitive and physical capabilities, preventing people from fulfilling their responsibilities. Heavy drinkers usually experience frequent hangovers.

Unhealthy drinking often creates a harmful environment for raising children. Studies show that children who have a parent addicted to alcohol are at an increased rate of developing an addiction and other mental health problems themselves.

Heavy drinking, which markedly increases the risk of AUD, is as follows:

Women: Four or more drinks daily, or eight or more per week.

Men: Five or more drinks daily, or 15 or more per week.

Children of an Alcoholic Research reveals:

Married couples who have children with at least one parent having alcoholism deliver trauma into their family unit. That trauma results in childhood emotional dysfunction, including anxiety, depression, hypervigilance, and abandonment issues.

To survive their family's dysfunctional environment, these children develop survival strategies by taking on different roles as actors. If those traumas are not treated through effective therapy, those children will continue as adults to utilize their childhood survival traits.

As an Adult Child of an Alcoholic, I engaged with four therapists during various stages of my life. With each therapist, I revealed the trauma I felt as a child with an alcoholic father and an enabling mother. Unfortunately, not one of these therapists identified and treated me correctly as an Adult Child of an Alcoholic.

Therapy for an alcoholic, a spouse of an alcoholic, and Children of Alcoholics will only be effective if the therapists selected have experience with treating people who have alcohol addictions and the families of alcoholics.

While it is natural to hold information from your therapist, opening up and being completely honest is integral for your treatment. Ultimately, it’s essential to trust your therapist.

Your Call to Action

Educate Yourself

One of the first things you should do is educate yourself. Learn as much as you can about Alcohol Use Disorder. This disease is also called Alcohol Dependence, Alcohol Addiction, and Alcoholism. Simply go to Google and punch in those words.

You will learn a lot about how this chronic disease affects your family. This research can provide you with empathy for your partner’s experience and solid research data to aid discussions and decisions.

You may also want to contact a professional addiction therapist for advice and guidance before you open your initial conversation with your spouse.

Setting Boundaries

Setting boundaries is another essential tool to help you as a spouse. If you have children, setting boundaries will help you and your children stay safe and healthy. Good boundaries let your alcoholic spouse know what you will and will not tolerate.

You can address your partner with specific boundaries, such as:

“I will not lie to our friends or family about your drinking anymore.”

“I will not call in sick for you anymore.”

“I will not give you money to buy alcohol anymore.”

“I do not want to be around you when you’re drinking.”

“I will not let you be around our children when you’re drinking.”

Partner Initiating Conversation

Find a calm time to have this conversation when your partner is sober. Plan what you are going to say. Think about what is driving your partner’s drinking habits.

Knowing how to talk to an alcoholic effectively requires a blend of compassion, patience, and honesty.

Use a statement expressing your feelings during your conversation, such as:

“I feel worried when you drink because of…”

“I’m worried about your drinking because I’ve noticed you’re missing work and spending less time with our kids.”

You can’t do the recovery work for your alcoholic spouse. But you can offer support and ask if you can be of assistance as your partner progresses towards drinking less and abstaining from alcohol. Consider together making a list of goals to work on, setting a date to talk again, seeing how it's going, and offering continuous encouragement.

If your initiating conversations with your alcoholic spouse did not go as planned, move on towards a family team intervention as: “Your Call to Action.”

Family Team Intervention

When you are married to an alcoholic and looking for specific ways to help your partner, I have found the most effective is to have a family team intervention.

The spouse of the alcoholic should spearhead this family intervention. The spouse is in the best position to monitor the progress of the alcoholic’s treatments, be physically present with the alcoholic, and provide an emotional support partner.

Being married to an alcoholic, the first thing you want to do is set a goal. What do you want to be the result of the intervention? For instance, are you hoping your loved one will decide to cut back or quit drinking altogether? If your alcoholic partner decides to stop drinking, will they need medical help to detox? Where can they get treatment? Will they need to simultaneously manage another medical condition, either physical or mental health?

The law requires providers to offer substance abuse treatment if they have health insurance. Check with your insurance provider to see which doctors and facilities are covered, how long, and what you will pay for. If you don’t have health insurance, look for a free or low-cost clinic.

Alcohol addiction rehabilitation treatment includes a variety of therapies and medications to help someone with alcohol addiction in the following standard settings:

Detox. Detox is often the first step in the recovery process. It can help your loved one safely stop drinking, go through withdrawal in a supportive environment, and help your alcoholic partner become medically stable so they can enter further treatment.

Inpatient Rehabilitation. Inpatient rehab is when your spouse will live on-site for the duration of treatment and receive 24/7 care, support, and monitoring.

Outpatient Rehab. Your loved one will live at home and attend rehabilitation sessions at the rehabilitation center on a set schedule.

To find care near you, visit the following websites:

Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA)

American Academy of Addiction Psychiatry

American Society of Addiction Medicine

Family Team Intervention

When you have a team intervention, the closest loved ones of the alcoholic come together to talk to that person about getting help. If you have children, involving them is not usually a good idea unless they are over 18.

The golden rule in assembling your family team is to keep your list short. Your loved one is most likely to get defensive if faced with a large group of people. From my experience, inviting four to at most six people who your loved one likes or respects works best.

Family intervention will only work if your intervention teammates are willing to be brutally honest. During the family intervention, these people gather to face their loved ones, talk about the effects of their addiction, and ask them to accept treatment. The intervention provides examples from each participant of the alcoholic’s destructive behaviors and how they affect each of them, as well as other family members.

Next, family members review a treatment plan first drafted by the spouse. Followed by a group discussion until they have all agreed, with clear steps, goals, and guidelines. To conclude, each person should spell out what they will do if their loved one doesn’t accept treatment. If necessary, negotiate an effective treatment plan with the alcoholic loved one.

In planning your family intervention team, you can work with an outside professional, such as a licensed alcohol counselor or therapist. Although not necessary for an effective intervention, an outside interventionist could also direct your family intervention. It can also include a member of your loved one’s faith community or others who care about the person struggling with addiction. Outside professionals can help you organize an effective intervention. A family intervention is a highly charged situation that could erupt into anger, resentment, or a family betrayal.

Most importantly, each group member must agree NOT to tell anyone outside your group, especially your loved one, until the day of the intervention.

Intervention Team Members Gather Information

Before the intervention planning group meeting, each member should be asked to write down what they have experienced firsthand and from other family members, done explicitly by their loved one.

Have each member also independently research alcoholism and how it affects family members. Additionally, each member should bring their notes to the family group meeting. Having each intervention team member read this “You Married an Alcoholic” special issue will allow them to build a beginning knowledge foundation on how an alcoholic parent affects their family’s dysfunction.

Intervention Team Planning Meeting

Your loved one cannot effectively argue with the facts or emotional responses to each member’s issue. For example, each member can begin by saying: “I was upset and hurt on (list date) when you were drunk and …. (explain the event that occurred in your presence).”

At the intervention team planning meeting, the spouse or their designee team member needs to compile everyone’s notes, rewrite them with approval, and identify the name of each member’s statement for eventual presentation.

At their intervention planning meeting, the team must decide on specific outcomes. If your loved one doesn’t accept treatment, everyone on the team must determine what actions they will take individually. We must also hold each other accountable as a team.

The group may decide to prearrange for your loved one to enroll in a treatment center. I witnessed an intervention in which the loved one didn’t accept going directly to a treatment center without their spouse driving him there. The spouse should also offer to drive their partner to every individual therapy session.

The intervention planning session should conclude with a rehearsal intervention session. During this session, you can discuss the logistics of this intervention, such as the meeting location and time, who will sit where, who will speak when, and any other necessary details.

Hold Intervention Team Meeting

The intervention site should not be in anyone’s home. Your best bet is to rent a hotel meeting room for the intervention. Most spouses invite their partner to go out to breakfast, lunch, or dinner. You can also arrange for that meal to be brought to your hotel meeting room for all participants.

Once everyone sits down at a meeting table with the loved one, the spouse should begin by stating to the loved one, “After my initial conversation with you about my concerns with your alcoholic behavior, we needed some other family members to engage with you in this group setting.

The spouse should then ask the loved one questions such as:

• Is there anything you want to talk about?

• Have you noticed that bad things happen when you drink?

• Do you think your drinking hurts other people, such as our family members present?

• Are you feeling anxious or depressed?

• Have you thought about getting outside help?

• If your spouse abruptly leaves the room, allow your loved one to exit.

• Do not argue or attempt to refrain your loved one.

• If your spouse responds or sits quietly, each team member should take turns sharing their concerns and feelings during a presentation slideshow.

• Once every member has spoken, the team leader should advance the slideshow to the group’s recommended treatment plan option and ask the loved one to accept that option on the spot.

• Expect your loved one’s objections.

• Rehearse their possible objections during your rehearsal intervention session. Have calm, rational responses ready for each reason your loved one may give not to be treated or take any responsibility for their behavior.

• Offer support to make it easier for your loved one to participate in treatment, such as arranging childcare or attending group counseling sessions together.

• Stay away from confrontation.

• Deal with your loved one with love, respect, concern, and support - not anger. Be honest, but don’t use intervention as a place for attacks.

• Don’t call your loved one names or make angry or accusing statements.

• Stay on track during the intervention.

• Moving away from the plan can quickly derail any intervention, prevent a helpful outcome for your loved one, and worsen family tensions.

• Be prepared to remain calm in the face of your loved one’s accusations, hurt, or anger— all of which are often meant to derail and end your current conversations.

• Remain on the track rails.

To conclude, family intervention is a decision that must be made right away. Do not give your loved one time to consider accepting the treatment offer. Doing so allows your loved one to continue denying this troubled alcoholic issue, go into hiding, or retreat to a dangerous alcoholic binge-drinking episode.

Be prepared to have your loved one start treatment immediately if they agree to the plan. If they are beginning to waffle on accepting treatment, review each member’s change in their relationship with their loved one again.

If at any time the addicted loved one flees the meeting, all members remain in the room. After their departure, re-review what each member will change in their relationship with the addicted family member.

Intervention Team Follow-Up Meetings

If the alcoholic continues to refuse treatment, the intervention team should hold monthly follow-up meetings to review any interactions they have had with the person with an addiction.

Often, the spouse, children, parents, and siblings are on the receiving end of abuse and emotional upheaval because of alcoholism in their family. You can’t control the behavior of your loved one with addiction. But you can remove yourself and your children from a dangerous, toxic situation.

If the alcoholic enters the agreed-upon treatment plan, the intervention team should also hold monthly follow-up meetings.

Involving a spouse and family members is a key to helping someone with an alcohol addiction to remain in treatment and not slip. Keeping the intervention team active can include changing patterns of everyday family living to make it easier for the person with an addiction to stay away from destructive behavior, offering to take part in therapy with your loved one, seeking your therapist for yourselves and a group support system, engaging in new hobbies or activities with your spouse, and knowing what to do if your loved one slips.

A successful family intervention must be planned carefully to work as intended. A poorly planned intervention can make the existing tumultuous situation worse. Your loved one may feel attacked and become isolated or more opposed to treatment.

Alcoholics Anonymous, Al-Anon, Alateen, & Other Support Groups

If a treatment center is not a present strategy, you should get your alcoholic spouse to attend local Alcoholics Anonymous (A.A.) meetings. A.A. has been helping alcoholics recover through group meetings for over 80 years.

Additionally, it would help if you committed to attending local Al-Anon meetings. Al-Anon and Alateen both help families of people who abuse alcohol. Al-Anon is a mutual support group of adult peers who share their experiences of an alcoholic in the family. Its members can learn coping skills that help you detach from your spouse’s alcoholic behaviors. Alateen is a support group for teens who are struggling with the effects of a parent’s alcoholism.

There are also local Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA) meetings that have the same mission for children of alcoholics when they physically grow into adults but emotionally maintain their past childhood survival demeanors as adults. And try to find any other local alcoholic support groups for help.

These groups may help you respond to your spouse’s drinking more constructively while giving you the support of and connection with people who are going through something similar.

Self-Care

When married to an alcoholic, it’s easy to focus only on your spouse’s needs. However, neglecting self-care can lead to burnout, anxiety, and depression. Prioritizing self-care is essential to maintain physical, emotional, and mental health.

Self-care might involve meditation, exercise, or new hobbies during stressful times. Making time for and even prioritizing these self-care activities can be beneficial.

Maintaining your physical, emotional, and mental health gives you the strength to cope with being married to an alcoholic.

Therapy

After initiating a conversation with your alcoholic spouse, holding a family intervention, or participating in alcoholic family group meetings, seeking professional therapeutic help is the only option you have.

There is no way you, or any other family member, can talk an alcoholic out of their addiction or argue or shame them out of it. Likely, your alcoholic spouse has already inflicted damage on you and your children. They will require professional therapeutic help.

You can try couples therapy first. Couples therapy can provide a safe space to resolve conflicts between married couples while helping to build a supportive relationship that encourages alcoholic addiction recovery. Effective couples therapy aims to end alcohol abuse. Help your partner support the alcoholic's recovery process. And develop patterns of behavior that support long-term. There is also individual therapy if you have undergone mental health problems like anxiety, depression, trauma, and relationship problems.

Unless you are with someone who really wants help and is actively committing to dealing with their alcoholic addiction, you are going to be trapped on a never-ending rollercoaster.

Finally, you may ultimately have to consider divorce if nothing else works.